R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
