Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Its about making memories worth repressing
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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