There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
