He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
