Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize