if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
