The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
