I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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