Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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