Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize