I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
