One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
