You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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