I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
