I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
