I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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