Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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