Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
