I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
