so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
