who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
