Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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