Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
