There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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