Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
In America we eat man semen.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize