I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He has the fingertips of a God
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