Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
