Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So vagazzling was a success
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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