I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
