Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
