I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
