I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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