last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
