I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
