She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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