Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
