My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize