you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
