Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
