My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
