Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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