I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
