just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
