Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
