I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
