i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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