bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
