who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
there is glitter all over my balls
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
