Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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