i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
