Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
