This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize