She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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