he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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