the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
