I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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