see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
