you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
