oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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