we have pet lesbian snakes
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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