your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
