I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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