sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
