roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
