nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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