I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
