So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
