Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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