I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
