Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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