So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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