Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
