My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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