So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
